A laugh a day keeps the doctor away.
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FRIEND FOR DINNER
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don t feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool s thinking about getting married."
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don t feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool s thinking about getting married."
DON'T MESS WITH THE MAID
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid.After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn t allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid.After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn t allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
I JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT IT ...
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine s day. What do you think it means?"
"You ll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine s day. What do you think it means?"
"You ll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
I HAVE TO SHOW HER ...
Everybody s heard of the Air Force s ultra-high-security,super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
Everybody s heard of the Air Force s ultra-high-security,super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
AFTER THE HONEY MOON
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words then she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He s been saying things I ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You ve got to come get me and take me home... "
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words then she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He s been saying things I ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You ve got to come get me and take me home... "
DEATHBED CONFESSION
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don t talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There s nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything s all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That s why I poisoned you."
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don t talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There s nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything s all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That s why I poisoned you."
WE'VE SAVED ENOUGH MONEY
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Darling, we ve finally saved enough to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand new Jaguar?" she asked eagerly.
"No," he replied, "a 1979 Jaguar."
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Darling, we ve finally saved enough to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand new Jaguar?" she asked eagerly.
"No," he replied, "a 1979 Jaguar."
YOUR HORSE CALLED LAST NIGHT
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she said, furious. "You d better have an explanation."
"Calm down, dear," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the races? That was the name of the horse I backed."
The next morning, his wife whacked him again. "What was that for?" he groaned.
"Your horse called last night," she said.
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she said, furious. "You d better have an explanation."
"Calm down, dear," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the races? That was the name of the horse I backed."
The next morning, his wife whacked him again. "What was that for?" he groaned.
"Your horse called last night," she said.
RELATIVES ?
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
HOW TO BUY A PRESENT?
A man walked into a department store and told an assistant he d like to buy a present for his wife.
"Certainly, sir," replied the assistant. "Perhaps a dress or a blouse?"
"Anything," said the man.
"And in what colour?"
"It doesn t matter."
"Size?"
"Immaterial."
Seeing the assistant s confusion, the man explained that whenever he bought his wife something she would always take it back to the shop and exchange it.
A man walked into a department store and told an assistant he d like to buy a present for his wife.
"Certainly, sir," replied the assistant. "Perhaps a dress or a blouse?"
"Anything," said the man.
"And in what colour?"
"It doesn t matter."
"Size?"
"Immaterial."
Seeing the assistant s confusion, the man explained that whenever he bought his wife something she would always take it back to the shop and exchange it.
DRUNK
Bob visited his friend Joe s house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He told her several times how attractive she was, complimented her on her culinary skills and showered her with hugs and kisses.
"Gee," Bob remarked to his friend, "you really make a big fuss over your wife."
"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage, and we couldn t be happier."
Inspired by Joe s story, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her, and said he wanted to hear all about her day. Instead she burst into tears.
Bob visited his friend Joe s house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He told her several times how attractive she was, complimented her on her culinary skills and showered her with hugs and kisses.
"Gee," Bob remarked to his friend, "you really make a big fuss over your wife."
"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage, and we couldn t be happier."
Inspired by Joe s story, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife, told her how much he loved her, and said he wanted to hear all about her day. Instead she burst into tears.
A NEW MACHINE
The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not
a twinge.
Later that day he went home to pick up a few items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman lying on his door step groaning in pain.
The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not
a twinge.
Later that day he went home to pick up a few items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman lying on his door step groaning in pain.
DUMMY HUSBAND
A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"
"I d love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
A man asked his wife, "if you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"
"I d love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
WHERE'S THE SHOE?
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
THE NEIGHBORS CAN NOT SEE YOU
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
A HUSBAND WHO NEVER FEELS ASHAMED
"I m ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I m just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain t never give us a cent!"
"I m ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I m just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain t never give us a cent!"
THEY HAD NO PRIVACY
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
HOW TO LIVE?
"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"
"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"
THE BUM ...
A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don t drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don t gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn t waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don t play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man s house, the bum s curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn t your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn t drink, gamble or play golf."
A bum approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?""No, sir, I don t drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don t gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn t waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don t play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man s house, the bum s curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn t your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn t drink, gamble or play golf."
1. Money And Friends
"Since he lost his money, half his friends don't know him any more"
"And the other half ?"
"They don't know yet that has lost it"
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